What Happens When You Quit Your Job?
I held tightly to a cardboard box filled with desk supplies. I wasn't given the honor of packing it up myself; instead, it had been placed by the front door of the office, a clear sign that I was to pick it up and get out. My cactus hung limply from its corner and my pens, notebooks, and decorations were a haphazard collection at the bottom of the box. It looked like a complete mess — I looked like a complete mess — and also, maybe even beautiful, too. I laughed as I stepped out onto the street and hoped that someone saw me and thought that I looked crazy, or maybe overjoyed, or, perhaps, that the two went together, hand-in-hand.
My Georgia Separation Notice said "voluntary resignation” in bold letters. I chose this — I want(ed) this. I was scared as fuck, but I've been scared as fuck before; I was worried about my next paycheck, but I had worried about my next paycheck before. Sometimes, we have to let go of the things that don't serve us, and there isn't any more to it than that. Sometimes, there’s nothing left to do but embrace fear head-on.
My entire first day unemployed, I slept. I dreamt about my clients, deadlines, and a toxic work environment, and upon waking, remembered that none of it mattered anymore. I cried tears of joy for the first time in a very long time.
What does quitting your job in order to find, or better understand, your purpose feel like? It feels like a release — a deep breath & long exhalation. You might come to realize that you hadn’t been sleeping through the night. You slowly remember that restlessness and anxiety aren't your natural state of being. You begin to understand that you can be good at a job, phenomenal even, and still feel empty. It becomes clear to you that, as a purpose-driven person, work without purpose will slowly kill you.
It also feels terrifying — like attempting to stay afloat in an unknown depth. André Gide once said that "one does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." And it’s true — the liberation will come in waves.
A few days after leaving my job, I started walking dogs as a side-hustle and had a mental breakdown within 24 hours. My innermost thoughts were harsh, critical, and dark. You quit your job because you’re weak. Look at you, a Brown University graduate walking dogs — fucking loser. What do you think you’re doing? Who do you think you are? You have no plan. Your friends are all making $60+k/year and you’re still stuck at square one. You’re getting nowhere. You’ll always be a nobody. The dark thoughts will be heavy and hard-hitting; for a while, you will drown in them.
Quitting your job to find your purpose is liberation and salvation and relief. It is also despair at its deepest and darkest.
“I had to chant my own name to manifest my self.”
— CHRISTA BELL
I went home to Rhode Island and didn’t see anyone, outside of my immediate family, for two weeks. I spoke frequently with my therapist, who said things like: “You keep saying that you feel like you’re not doing anything productive. Can you accept and understand that working on yourself and figuring out what you want in life is productive?” I took time — a lot of time — to better understand myself and heal. I asked myself “do I even like this?” — a question that, in hindsight, I had attempted to avoid facing head-on.
Eventually, I decided to live on purpose, not by default. I chose myself.
This didn’t manifest overnight.* In the 8 months between quitting my job & being accepted into a teaching program, I felt either completely lost or fully confident in my decisions. I worked in a bridal salon simply because I thought it would be fun; I stressed over bills; I made new, genuine friendships while still feeling angry/hurt at old “friends” from work who hadn’t spoken to me since I left; I got a job (and discount) at Whole Foods; I prayed and prayed and prayed.
After many months, I finally came to these guiding conclusions:
I will listen to my own intuition. My intuition will always guide me toward what I need in the “right now.” I will trust it.
I will surrender. I accept that the more I surrender, the more I become aligned with my ultimate purpose.
I believe in tangible happenings. I believe that ends will meet. I believe that it — whatever “it” is — will happen when it is meant to happen.
I will acknowledge the power of faith. I understand that God has a plan for me and I will trust in that understanding.
I will live on purpose, not by default.
Trust is a big element. Since leaving my job, I haven’t been late on my rent or missed paying a bill. My credit score went up to 758. With a lot of work, my anxiety has become manageable for the first time in a long time. My relationship is flourishing & my wedding is primarily paid-for. My friendships and familial relationships are healthy and well-balanced. I’m the healthiest — physically, mentally, and spiritually — that I’ve been in a few years.
These are all things that I didn’t know would or could happen, but they did happen and I’m eternally grateful. Leaving your job to seek out your greater purpose is a big decision, but it can also be a worthwhile one. No one has a perfect relationship with the unknown, but it can surprise you.
What does quitting your job in order to find, or better understand, your purpose feel like? It’s terrifying and wondrous; a crisis and blessing. You will experience loss, liberation, fear, joy, trust, and blind faith. You’ll cry and laugh; berate your choices one day and praise them the next. You’ll be present, faith-driven, open to love, and alert in a way that you’ve never experienced before. You’ll be free.
Thinking of leaving your job? Here’s a great questionnaire to help you decide if it’s the right decision for you. xx
*Full disclosure: the above is based entirely on my personal experiences. I am privileged enough to have the love and (financial) support of my family & life partner. I had $3,000 in savings when I decided to quit my job & received GA Unemployment Benefits after proving that I was discriminated against in my workplace (an element that I purposefully did not touch on in this post). There are many factors to consider when quitting your job — this blog post is meant to serve as food for thought, not a charge to quit without deeply evaluating your personal situation.
